Last night I was driving home from being out with my co-workers and my cell phone went off in the car and "Dad's Cell" lit up on the screen. I just watched it ring in the darkness as I drove down the freeway, waiting for yet another empty voicemail, which never says what it should. This is only the second or third call in over a year and a half.
I remember going to lay in bed shortly after I got home and playing the message on speakerphone for Erik. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks listening to my dad's emotionless voice talking through pretty emotion filled subjects if you know what I mean....
My dad always leaves the same message: condescending, belittling, degrading, and always accusatory.
So anyway, today was payday, and it was time. After work, I went straight to Wells Fargo and opened a savings account to start saving for our wedding. I haven't had a savings account since I was about 15 years old...so yeah, whatever, it felt like a big deal. As broke as Erik and I have been (as WE ALL have been LOL) I put $180 in there and felt really proud of myself as I drove home. I wanted so badly just to tell someone, but no one would understand why something so small would mean so much to me.
My pride is just in the fact that I don't need any help. I'm used to not getting it, I was raised without it. I was kicked out of my house at 17 years old, and I've made it on my own ever since. I paid my own bills, got my own place, and paid my own way through college, never receiving so much as a nickel from my parents.
And even though I have sometimes felt frustrated and hopeless already in this wedding process, I know I can do this to. Where there's a will, there's a way.
I can plan this wedding, I will make it work...just like I've always had to make it work...without them.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
keep the past in the past....
I have had a few bad experiences with Facebook in the past, but never like the story I am about to share. Facebook can convey the "wrong message", things can become misconstrued in what you were trying to say, certain opinons or "feeds" of conversations can go too far, etc. It all kind of makes me start to see the harm that Facebook can inflict. The wrong means of communication through social networking can really hurt someone. It's no wonder we have high school suicides over it.
When I met Erik, our very first conversations were about the disasterous relationships that we had just come out of and how we were looking for someone who would be mature, drama free, trustworthy, and possibly even "that person". I still remember sitting at the Green Mill in Eden Prairie and listening to him vent the painful story of his ex and how he gave her EVERYTHING, and she ended up cheating on him. I could tell he was still hurt, but ready to grow up, move on to something real, and away from such "juvenile relationships."
Then to my discomfort, I had to actually see his ex here and there when she would turn up at bars we were at with our friends, and she would behave and act as though she was still apart of the group. Back then, I was the "new girlfriend", and maybe we were intimidated by each other, but I didn't her see her all that much, and so didn't give her much thought.
But then this girl would still mail hand written letters to Erik's mom's house when he and I were first seeing each other. And over Facebook she would tag Erik in old high school prom pictures....slowly but surely, she really started to irritate me, as it seemed she clearly wasn't over him, and she wouldn't back off.
More recently, in the past year or more, this girl has sent Erik numerous private messages over Facebook, and we've had to see her more often as she is always creeping her way into our group functions.
But last night was the last and final straw.
I came across yet another (very long) message from this girl to Erik. The message spoke of a conversation that they had at Carver County Steamboat Days. The message revealed a dark secret which I had never, and was never, suppost to know about - as well as her own false perceptions of Erik being very "unhappy" with me, and his and my relationship having problems - which supposively showed whenever he and I are "in public". This message spoke of her feelings for Erik, memories they had shared, and her wanting to re-connect and talk more with him, as she thinks about him so often. She stated her "forever love", her regrets with him, etc. But the most disturbing part was hints that Erik should be thinking twice about marrying me.
I have now "blocked" her on the internet, and the next time I see her, she will know exactly how I feel about ALL OF THIS, I promise. I've kept it civil for seven years, nnnoooooo longer! Under no circumstance is it ever appropriate to write to your ex, mettle in their current relationship, let alone if they are about to get married!! I for one know where almost all my exes are, I feel like I can be friendly with them if I were to run into them, but that's it.
To my own exes: Thank you. Good or bad, you were apart of my youth, *but you are in the past*
You will always be apart of the woman I became, and because of you I came to find out exactly what I have always wanted in a relationship...and now I have it.
So in conclusion, if Erik's ex ever happens to read this, "I got the ring baybay"-in the words of my friend Christina :)
YOU blew it way back then, but Erik's long over it, and long over you. He's living his happily ever after...(sorry if you're not.)
Anyway, Erik has an ex, as we all do...only this particular ex was his high school sweetheart. They had dated for a few years, but the relationship ended abruptly when Erik caught her red handed cheating on him!!!
When I met Erik, our very first conversations were about the disasterous relationships that we had just come out of and how we were looking for someone who would be mature, drama free, trustworthy, and possibly even "that person". I still remember sitting at the Green Mill in Eden Prairie and listening to him vent the painful story of his ex and how he gave her EVERYTHING, and she ended up cheating on him. I could tell he was still hurt, but ready to grow up, move on to something real, and away from such "juvenile relationships."
Then to my discomfort, I had to actually see his ex here and there when she would turn up at bars we were at with our friends, and she would behave and act as though she was still apart of the group. Back then, I was the "new girlfriend", and maybe we were intimidated by each other, but I didn't her see her all that much, and so didn't give her much thought.
But then this girl would still mail hand written letters to Erik's mom's house when he and I were first seeing each other. And over Facebook she would tag Erik in old high school prom pictures....slowly but surely, she really started to irritate me, as it seemed she clearly wasn't over him, and she wouldn't back off.
More recently, in the past year or more, this girl has sent Erik numerous private messages over Facebook, and we've had to see her more often as she is always creeping her way into our group functions.
But last night was the last and final straw.
I came across yet another (very long) message from this girl to Erik. The message spoke of a conversation that they had at Carver County Steamboat Days. The message revealed a dark secret which I had never, and was never, suppost to know about - as well as her own false perceptions of Erik being very "unhappy" with me, and his and my relationship having problems - which supposively showed whenever he and I are "in public". This message spoke of her feelings for Erik, memories they had shared, and her wanting to re-connect and talk more with him, as she thinks about him so often. She stated her "forever love", her regrets with him, etc. But the most disturbing part was hints that Erik should be thinking twice about marrying me.
I have now "blocked" her on the internet, and the next time I see her, she will know exactly how I feel about ALL OF THIS, I promise. I've kept it civil for seven years, nnnoooooo longer! Under no circumstance is it ever appropriate to write to your ex, mettle in their current relationship, let alone if they are about to get married!! I for one know where almost all my exes are, I feel like I can be friendly with them if I were to run into them, but that's it.
To my own exes: Thank you. Good or bad, you were apart of my youth, *but you are in the past*
You will always be apart of the woman I became, and because of you I came to find out exactly what I have always wanted in a relationship...and now I have it.
So in conclusion, if Erik's ex ever happens to read this, "I got the ring baybay"-in the words of my friend Christina :)
YOU blew it way back then, but Erik's long over it, and long over you. He's living his happily ever after...(sorry if you're not.)
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